We were walking down the road–our normal walk and talk in the beauty of the early morning air. That’s how we begin our days; my sweet husband and I.
This time is always so sweet. I cherish it daily and try to never allow the day to begin without our walk–our talk and our prayer. It calms the day, prepares me for what is ahead and provides moments to talk about life in the present,the past and pray about the future.
Today, we approached a subject that has remained silent in our home.
We have shared our lives, our dirty secrets–well, most that are hidden in the closet–with our children. They know about the divorce; they know about his marriage to another woman; they know how we remarried; and they know about their sibling in Heaven.
What they don’t know– is about their siblings by the other women-the ones whose lives were ended prior to birth.
Not by accident but by choice.
The words slowly come to my mind. I wonder–how long has the silence been there and what damage has it caused to our hearts? Worse yet, what if our children find out.
I ask–the words gently and softly oh, how I love this man and desire nothing but love and respect for him.
gently, whispering “Do you think about the babies? And does it still hurt?”
As the words escape my lips, I pray. I pray for truth and healing to be the focus of this conversation that has never been had, yet has desperately been needed.
“Rebecca, I’m a murderer-my own children. What was I thinking to not fight for those babies and allow the mothers to suffer the cruel reality of an abortion?”
The words cut deep. He looks at me with a compassion so deep - doesn’t he know, he’s not alone? Does he not know he stands in front of another, just as guilty, yet given freedom through the blood of the Christ who took our sins and bore them upon the tree?
I ask – do you think you are the only one – do you not know…I am guilty, too.
My mind wandered to my own guilt.
The guilt that has festered–I’m now setting free. I’m laying it at the cross. I have confessed, I have prayed and begged for mercy. The torment of the lies that guilt should remain – I begin to set free with this conversation that heals the heart that never knew the truth.
The guilt and shame that was delivered so lovingly in an envelope.
The Birth Control Pill and Chemical Abortions
The enveloped exposed the truth about the birth control pill and Chemical Abortions.
The envelope that exposed the fact that I had not researched, nor cared to know the truth of those pills I would place in my mouth each and every day – taking away God’s control over my body and abusing my body through premarital sex – both sins against my Father but, this discussion is not about that, that will have to wait until the heart can bear to release more.
- I did not know that the pills I took for years did not keep me from ovulating.
- I did not know that a baby could be conceived.
- I did not know that while the baby could have been conceived the pill could have kept the baby from implanting, thus causing a chemical abortion.
- I did not want to know
And I wept as I read the content of the envelope…I remember it like it was yesterday.
But….it remained unspoken.
I went to my Dr and asked him “Is this true – can the pill cause a chemical abortion?”
His answer: ”YES.”
I asked – why he had not told me this….we had had many discussions during my years of infertility about abortion, my thoughts, my beliefs…yet he said NOTHING to me about this when we were going through the phases, preparing….
“I’m a woman’s advocate. I have to do what is best for all women.” His words were short and to the point – matter-of-fact-with authority over all knowledge that should surpass any question I should ever dare to ask.
I sat there, wrapped in that white paper gown trembling from the inside out. I thought – He performs chemical abortions and is a woman’s advocate.
I wanted to scream and cry – I wanted to know “WHO is MY advocate? I’m a woman, don’t I deserve to know the truth about what each and every medicine and medical procedure does to my body?”
Our walk continued. We discussed the babies we knew were gone. They would be grown. They were his (and mine) and he feels the guilt still. I beg him to let go…. He comforts me knowing – we will never know these babies here, in our temporary home.
In the home to come, we will know them and there will be no more tears….
And we wonder….does anyone truly advocate for a woman?
Each of us different. All on a journey in this life, in different bends of the road. Women, seeking and desiring to share the love that was planted in our hearts from the beginning of time.
This subject, abortion, birth control, how many babies to have–it can tear apart the closest friends. I wonder, was there ever a time in history when we, as women were united in this area?
We need to love one another. We need some Titus 2 women to rise up, mentor us….and truly be a woman’s advocate. I am so thankful for my beautiful friend who loved me enough to share this truth with me….and I’m looking for true women’s advocates
Are you ready to be one?
This is my story, my thoughts and my feelings. No judgement is placed on any person who has different beliefs than the ones who are expressed here. My heart is to love all…..I am not the same person today that I was yesterday or 10-15 years ago. And I know, God is still working in my heart….thank you for your love, your words and your compassion, as our story unfolds….desiring to help through sharing….be blessed.