I Gave Myself Away Because of a Dare Wanting to Be Loved

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When I think back over my life to moments when I know I made decisions that had an impact on my heart, I go back to one specific conversation.  I was so young, so naive and so desiring love.

My parents divorced when I was very little and my brother was killed just a short time after that – but, you know that by now.  Those moments made a profound impact on my life.

Now, I know, I was WRECKED for a Purpose greater than my own understanding.

True Love Finds IT's Home in Christ First

Divorce hurts children.

Fighting between Mommy and Daddy hurts children, too….but that’s for another day.

This day, this conversation.  I remember it so vividly. I was standing in our little kitchen eating a snack and talking on the phone with my boyfriend.  I have no idea where my family was.  Working, sports…somewhere, not home….and that gave me a freedom no child at that age should have.

I was a latch-key kid.

The house was always quiet.  Well, until late in the evening.  But, when I came home, I had hours to myself.  Time to clean, cook dinner, work on homework, watch MTV and, oh yes-talk on the phone.

It was during one of those hours–those long hours alone that I stood in the kitchen and we talked and talked.

I do not remember where his parents were and how they did not hear.  His mother – oh, one of the sweetest I have ever known….  I loved her, her family and being in their home gave me a promise of a family I longed for.

During this one conversation – that topic came up.  OH, we were so young, what were we thinking?  What were we doing?

and the words came from ME – the dare….

“I doubt you would even know what to do”

It’s almost laughable now.  I had no idea.  From there, the conversation spiraled and a plan was devised.  I remember how my heart raced, I was scared and excited…because I just knew…”He’s the one”…

That night, on the phone, I gave my heart and body away.  Long before I should have or even knew what I was doing.  I gave what I had no right to give. It wasn’t mine to give.  This idea of doing what I want, being who I want to be- I did not know then that I had a greater purpose.

You are Not Your Own

Wait Because No Man Will have You

The only reason I had been told to wait for was because no man would have me if I didn’t.  No man would want me.  So, in my young mind – at home, alone with no one around – desiring to be loved and not knowing what true love really was…I made a promise after I uttered the dare.

I Did Not Know True Love

I did not know how to love me.  I did not know that my value, should have been found in the heart of my Heavenly Father.  I never knew the truth that I had been bought with a cost higher than any person could or would ever pay for me.  I wish I had known.  But, I am not a victim of my own self-inflicted circumstances.  While I wish I could go back in time and erase that call and what would follow, I can not.  And I wonder, if I had the ability and could go back and change, would I be the person I am now.

I am not perfect

I am a sinner – so far from perfect.  Yet, each day, I discover more beautiful treasures from my Heavenly Father.  I treasure the memories that are full of light and I make new ones with my husband, children, family and friends.  I no longer hide who I am or who I was.  There is no need to hang my head in shame.

I have been bought with a price – a beautiful and loving price….and I pray that through God’s word, prayer and the Holy Spirit that my daughter’s heart will be so wrapped in the heart of the Father that no man can find her, without seeking there…first.

I desire to pray her into the Heart of the King of Kings – and she will be His Princess…and the next generation will be one full of light to shine in the dark.

We Are Teaching Our Children

Together, my husband and I are teaching our children the beauty of remaining pure.  The true love that is available to them- right here in our home and from their Heavenly Father.  They don’t have to wait to experience that love.  They can experience true love and joy right now!  They need to learn to enjoy HIS LOVE now, not waiting for a Prince or Princess to come.  He has already been here, he paid the price and we need to share that with our children..  We sing words of wisdom and words of truth.  One of my favorite songs on this topic is “You are Not Your Own” on the Purity CD by Seeds Family Worship.

Have you searched for love, not knowing your true value, too?  How are you pouring scripture, truth and love into your children?

 

Rebecca

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. As always, Rebecca your post touches my heart. We have to protect our daughters from making the same mistakes we did in the past. I too let my first serious boyfriend go too far with me. I believed him even though he lied to me. I caught him cheating on me with another girl in his apartment.

    Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Our daughters should not have to experience this. Some men just want one thing and our daughters need to be aware of this. I don’t know how the Lord kept me from becoming pregnant before marriage – but he did. I dated this man for 9 months…sneaking out to spend the night with him without my parents permission. I sure woke up after we broke up. It’s sad…but I had to learn the hard way. Some women do not learn and keep giving their hearts away.

    I chose a future mate that attracted me with his professionalism and honesty. The exact opposite of my first serious boyfriend. This weekend, I had the honor of visiting Steubenville University in Ohio to look for a college for my daughter who is a junior in high school. This university is steeped in the faith and I would highly recommend anyone’s daughter to attend college here. We are still looking at other universities, some secular, and I do not know which one my daughter will choose. So far, Steubenville is her first choice. I will remain deep in prayer so that the Lord guides her decision!!!

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so grateful that the Lord has touched your heart because I can see the trauma you went through during your young life on earth.

    • Eileen, sounds like you learned a lot earlier than I did. There’s more to my story…a lot more…I will unwrap it, slowly….there’s only so much a person can unravel at one time…. I look forward to hearing more about your daughter. Sounds like you have discipled and loved her well. My own daughter is now tucked in….growing quickly. I am thankful that God has opened my eyes so that I can disciple her and her brothers…all of my littles…growing…and learning. Thank you…thank you…this was not easy to write…and if I can continue to unravel the past…to share so that others can find more freedom, it won’t be any easier to do….and it’s such a blessing for you, your comments…to encourage me. Thank you!

  2. I always love your fresh honesty and willingness to to be open for the sake of encouraging others to walk on higher ground. Great post!

    • Kim, thank you. I can NOT wait to meet you in a few weeks…. I pray others will walk on the higher ground…walking on the low ground keeps the head down and bondage of chains….

  3. Love you, dear friend. Your post, as always, displays a heart that seeks to display God’s love and grace to the world. Thank you!

  4. I love your honesty, and your heart. You are an amazing lady!

  5. Rebecca – I feel like we lived the same story… well almost. I loved this – so glad I found you on What I know now… totally a new follower!

    • Marissa, There are others of us out there…we need to share our hearts and help the next generation make decisions…. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!

      • You are so right, if we could find the courage to share and be there to walk with new generations it would be amazing – a perfect prayer