I sit and stare after I pray because I don’t want to be afraid. I pray for the words that are bubbling to come out to surface from the keyboard and onto the screen.
My hands, beginning to show the age they truly are scream back at me most days now and I stifle the fear that is sitting and crouching at the door like a lion. The fear that I am heading down the same path my Mother took. The pain and agony she suffered as her body betrayed her in this fallen world.
But, before the words can travel from my mind to the keyboard, I realize I am afraid. I am afraid of sharing the wrong thing, saying it the wrong way and causing pain of another heart.
We will all be held accountable one day for our words. Not just words typed, but those spoken and even those deep thoughts that we shelter in the back of our mind as if we can hide them from the one who knows us the most.
That thought of being accountable has gripped my heart in a way I never imagined. It seems everyone is saying what they want. The noise of the world threatens to take away the quiet.
In the background, music is playing and everyday, sounds of giggles and well, other noises children make surround me. I’m grabbing onto those. Being the Mom I want to be.
As I sit and consider the words and my own heart, I watch my friend. She set her fear and pride aside and wrote this. Her words, are calling me to become Holey, Wholly, Holy. Sweet, soft and gentle, she shares her heart and in the process of preparing for lent, she lays bare for me, my own need to put it aside – the fear.
Today, as I step forward, unwilling to be consumed of the fears that surmount in this world waging war with the Creator, I will share His love, His truth and His word. I will wait for Him to give me words and not allow the one who desires to destroy – to take this joy of words from my heart.
This joy that can only come from the maker.
I will no longer be a slave to fear – I am no longer afraid!
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