We ran away and eloped when I was 18. I had no idea what I was in for, I just knew I wanted out and he would be leaving in May. So, I jumped in head first and come May, we packed the car and headed west. We drove from North Carolina to Arizona by way of the mid west to see some of his family.
It was an awkward situation, as I really had no idea what would happen when we arrived in Arizona. Would we stay together, or would others pull him from me.
It wasn’t long before I had my answer. By November, I was on a plane back home with no option of returning.
I was devastated.
Over the next 5 years, his life was consumed with drugs and mine – well, I got back at him by hurting every man who came across my path while I traveled with world with the Air Force.
But, God brought us back together. I thought he was past his life of drugs and deceit. I had no idea how wrong I was until God opened my eyes to truth and made me realize, I was quickly heading down the same path.
And so, I did what I had learned to do at 18 – I ran.
I received a promotion and ran back home. He followed me after a few months and our lives changed. We found God in a small church and were loved on by those who didn’t judge us for the life we had lived and for the sin we still carried around like a dead weight on our back.
We remarried shortly after we lost our first baby and moved to Ga (for another promotion for me). His life was slowly returning, we no longer felt that we had to watch our backs and worry that others might see the sin we now wanted to hide.
But, it was there. The sin of addiction is one that is hard to break. Just as he was addicted to the chemicals, for me, it was the need to be needed and oh, how he needed me.
And then God blessed us with children.
Those three blessings saw our lives almost fall part 3 years ago. As my bags were packed, I was a Mom in Crisis. That was new for me. It had only been me before – a wife in crisis but thinking I could handle it.
Through all of this, God was there. I was on my knees praying, searching scripture and seeking others to help me find my path.
It was scary and honestly, it is still very scary. You see, I know that there are many out there who are going through similar situations, but they are afraid others will find out. There are many who can’t understand the depths to which a person can fall because they haven’t been there and they haven’t fully embraced grace.
When I have shared my story, I have been asked: “Rebecca, how did you do it?”
And here’s my answer – I’m no angel. I’m a sinful human, created in the likeness of God. He created me for His glory and because of the fall, my sin is just as scarlet as anyone else’s. He is sovereign and His plan is perfect. While I sin, I am still HIS – HE created me and when I sin, I make myself an enemy of God. That means, I am no different from any other person on this planet – except, that I have knelt down and submitted my life to the saving power and grace of His son.
So, how did I do it? Who am I that I should not be there to love and give grace when another sinful person is kneeling at the cross.
It takes time to turn our sinful hearts fully on Christ. We never full arrive – until HE calls us home. I think that’s a problem in the world. Not a problem per se, but the problem of assuming a Christian is perfect, when indeed, we never fully reach that beautiful moment of full perfection until we leave this home for our permanent home.
and really -
It’s all about Him.
Sweet sister, if you’re sitting there, hiding your heart, afraid others will judge you and run in the other direction – know that you are not alone. You have a GREAT and MIGHTY God and He loves you. You may never fully understand the reasons for your situation (infidelity, pornography, and other sinful behaviors that become addictions) but rest in His arm and know – you have a sister here praying for you.
If you need or desire personal prayer or just to share and get something out so that you know someone else is lifting up your specific needs – feel free to email me or message me on facebook. And please, if your life is in danger – please reach out for help.