We started back this week. I decided on a reduced-schedule to get us started. Three days: Mon/Weds/Fri.
I am glad I did….it’s Friday morning and I’ve been up since 5:30. Today, my ‘schedule’ consisted of spending time with God/reading my Bible lessons/books I’m behind on, walking the dog, paying the bills, catching up on email, writing my blog and maybe eating breakfast/drinking coffee before the children awoke. So far….I’ve paid the bills and I’m writing my blog. The rest….well, not there, yet. The children….up since 6:00.
So…that little Devil is already wanting me to ‘stop homeschooling’. Stop fooling myself into thinking I am doing what’s best for my children.
He does that by getting to me through that thing called jealousy/coveting what others have. Some friends have family close by to help with their children, who can take their children for days/weeks at a time. They have time to help others, time alone…. They have the finances to send their children to camp, go on vacations or hire a baby sitter. They can purchase new furniture or new flooring. I have to take a step back…literally away from them to protect myself from succombing to those feelings and going out and putting our family at risk. It’s my way to survive. So, how do I survive that time, continue loving my friends and help them see….it’s not them, it’s me. I have to protect my family from me!
A friend recently blogged about counting your blessings. I started doing this about 3 years ago after reading a book…..I can’t remember the book, but it spoke about changing your mind set from negative to positive by being thankful for the little things…getting up in the morning and thinking: I am thankful for my sheets, my bed, the carpet under my feet, my warm shower, my children’s smiles/laughter, food in my cupboards/fridge…you get the picture. So, it hit me…I’ve been doing that to the point that I have become numb to it.
I struggle with those curve balls that are thrown our way: HOW can I be thankful that the state of Iowa doesn’t think I paid them enough taxes for the six weeks I lived in my Mother in law’s basement while my husband worked in South Dakota? How can I be thankful that a neighborhood child hit my son with a rock and I’m left with a very hefty hospital bill to pay? How can I always be thankful that my time is never my time. Time to go to the grocery store (alone), time to go to the garden (alone), time to read a sentence without interruption, time to iron and clean the house (OK…the last one isn’t fair..I’m training my children to cook and clean…they’re doing a really good job) But overall the list of SELFISH heart issues that devil uses goes on an on.
So, I find myself second guessing this choice to homeschool…..all for very selfish reasons…and being called back to a new scripture God placed in front of me today:
God, knowing I needed a hug, sent a friend who is going through the same… He sent her to reassure me….I’m doing what He has called me to do. The price I am paying….is FAR LESS than the price He paid, as He lowered himself from His throne to serve all of us…to climb up on that cross….He paid far more than I ever will…I just have to die to me and walk into His arms and His comfort…and know that MY time…is not MY time…it’s HIS time…and my selfish heart is far less anxious when MY time is spent the way He wants me to spend it….with my children and my husband….loving and putting God first….putting others first, my husband, my children…and anyone else who can look at me…and see, I’m just a person…no more, no less….