There’s something about Fall and the Holidays that bring joy and sadness linked with walking through the pain of death. This time of year can be difficult for so many who have endured the pain of losing a loved one. Many are walking that path now.
We know our days are numbered. Eternity is not to be found in this life. This life,is a taste, a glimmer of the joy that we will find in the one to come, if our hearts are entwined with the one who came to serve and reign, all in one body.
I was so young when the bitter guile of death entered into my heart. My grandfather passed away just after I turned one. I do not remember him. However, my Mother always said I had a very close relationship with him…. I always took her word for that. I had two grandfathers, neither one hold memories in my heart.
Yet that was not the only pain I would bear… that pain of death. The one that can take a heart and spill out the soul in a way that makes it seem like the living will crawl away with the one who has passed because this life is forever changed.in.a.split.second.
The next to leave my life was my oldest brother. He was the oldest out of the three- we became two. He was not perfect, but he was loved by all. The renegade son on probation, yet the one who stood up for every single child who was picked on. Yet, he did his own ‘picking’….I remember those moments well.His heart shined so bright, my other brother and I seemed to live in his shadow forever. I believe we both felt the same for so long.
We wished we had died instead of him.
That’s what happens, though, when you sit back and you watch a life so full of love and the ray of beauty that the world desires. That life that seems to bring beauty and joy to everyone – you desire to be it, be around it. When it’s gone, so sudden, without warning…..you’re left with a feeling of ‘it should have been me-not him”.
And as with all of humanity, you begin to question the goodness of God. You question the very being and heart of the God who created you and who could take a life.
The years that followed were ones that were light and dark. My parents were divorced and both had broken hearts. Their oldest-gone. The two (of us)remaining, fighting and desiring to find our places. Our life puzzles had been altered.
Lives shattered by divorce and anger. Memories lingering of pain and torment.
A Mother who fought illness every day of her life. Moments in the ER, late nights holding buckets while the blood poured. I was alone. No sibling to help…my brother’s life had begun. The years between us from birth maintained a distance in miles that exist even now.
Each minute, day, year: her body was ravaged with disease. She let go, breathed her last breath. I sat and watched. I held close to those last moments. They were fleeting, yet seemed to last forever. It wasn’t the first time I witnessed death. It won’t be the last.
This is my story, mixed with the story of one or two who may decide to join in. A story that helps shed light on the depth of pain that can be felt in the hearts of those who taste death in their homes.
While the emotions and feelings associated with death can remain raw for years, there is joy to be found when the heart finds it’s way to the one who gives true joy-even in the midst of the overwhelming pain that desires to ravage a heart and mind forever. Many are walking this path right now. They sense the time has come for a loved one to leave. Their life puzzle is already being changed, shaken, moved.
The pain being felt has no mercy. No grace. But, there is one who does.
I pray that as this series pours out, you will know that on the other side of the deepest pain is a joy that can not be felt My friend, Lana and I are joining together do so to help you face those last moments with joy and a plan. We desire to help you face the hard moments and leave you with as much isnight as possible so when the time comes….you can look back and know you were and are not alone……
My love goes out to all as we walk this path together.
Links to other posts in the series: